What’s different about the alphabet at Christmas?
There’s noels!
How does Christmas Eve end?
With the letter “e”.
HAPPY FESTIVUS
It’s Christmas Eve eve!
NATIONAL MATHEMATICS DAY (India)
Why was the equal sign so humble?
Because it wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else!
1st DAY OF WINTER
Where do bears get their hibernation information?
The winternet!
I didn’t know why the baseball was getting bigger?
And then it hit me!
What did the right eye say to the left eye?
“Between us, something smells!”
4What tool is most useful in math class?
Multi-pliers!
How do you make seven an even number?
Remove the s!
What do bees say in summer?
“It’s swarm in here!”
1What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked up into the sky?
“Looks like rain, dear.”
Is it re-cycling if you ride your bike twice?
It’s Friday the 13th.
Avoid ladders, black cats, and silly superstitions.
8What do you call fake noodles?
Impasta!
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho!
INTERNATIONAL ANIMAL RIGHTS DAY
What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room?
Odor in the court!
INTERNATIONAL DAY OF VETERINARY MEDICINE
Have you heard about the sale at the veterinarian supply store?
Buy one, get one flea!
Why did the farmer name his pig “ink”?
Because it was always running out of the pen!
What’s the difference between teachers and trains?
Teachers say, “Spit out your gum!” And trains say, “Chew! Chew!”
What do you call a belt with a built in watch?
A waist of time!
Why shouldn’t you write a book on a camel?
Writing a book on paper is a lot easier!
Claustrophobic people are more productive when thinking outside of the box!
How do Mexican sheep say Merry Christmas?
“Fleece Navidad!”
What do elves do after school?
Their gnome work!
What did Bob Marley say to his chef?
What Jamaican?
What comes at the end of November?
The letter “r”!
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t peeling well!
THANKSGIVING
What did the sweet potato say to Popeye the Sailor Man?
I yam what I yam and that’s a yam!
Two artists had an art contest.
It ended in a draw!
What do you get when you cross a dog with a flower?
A collie-flower!
I told my son a joke about what iguana’s eat.
All I got was crickets!
What did the ground say to the earthquake?
You crack me up!
What’s another word for synonym?
What’s different about a minimalist orchestra?
It’s just like a regular orchestra, without the bells and whistles!
USE LESS STUFF DAY
What did you think of the minimalist’s garage sale?
Not much!
What did one flea say to the other flea?
Shall we walk, or take the dog?
I saw an onion ring.
So, I answered it!
It’s crazy to think that we can make hamburgers out of plants.
It’s beyond meat!
NATIONAL TAKE A HIKE DAY
How do you figure out whether or not you like hiking?
Take a trail run!
Why did the lizard get in trouble in music class?
It couldn’t keep its composure!
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slowpoke!
Why was the cucumber concerned?
It was in a pickle!
What is a taxi driver’s favorite vegetable?
Cab-bage!
I love raising caterpillars.
I always get butterflies!
What word starts with “e” but can have different letters in it?
An envelope!
INTERNATIONAL TONGUE TWISTER DAY
Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair. So Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn’t fuzzy, and Fuzzy Wuzzy didn’t find this funny.
I don’t trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.
NATIONAL STEM DAY
Why did the students study on their flight?
They wanted a higher education!
What is a fire’s least favourite month?
No-ember!
What did the magician who made the art gallery disappear say?
Now museum, now you don’t!
What did the clock do when it was hungry?
It went back four seconds!
What did the calculator say to the math student?
You can count on me!
I remember back before daylight savings time.
Oh, how times have changed!
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Supplies!
WORLD VEGAN DAY
What did the cow say about people that don’t eat meat?
“I have no beef with vegans.”
HALLOWEEN
Where do pumpkin CEO’s hold their meetings?
In their gourd rooms!
What sound does a limping turkey make?
Wobble Wobble!
What do you call a horse that lives next door?
Your neigh-bour!
What is the hardest thing about learning to ride a horse?
The ground!
What do you call a horse that has been all around the world?
A globe trotter!
What do you call a tree with a lot of friends?
Poplar!
What is the difference between a horse and a duck?
A horse goes quick and a duck goes quack!
Where do you find members of the Flat Earth Society?
All around the globe!
When does a horse talk?
Whinny wants to!
What did the duck say to the cashier after it bought some chapstick?
Put it on my bill!
INTERNATIONAL DAY OF THE NACHO
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese!!!
Where do horses go when they’re ill?
The horsepital!!!
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
How do vegans make omelettes?
With eggplants!
I used to work as a horse trainer.
It was a stable job.
NATIONAL DICTIONARY DAY
What is the longest word in the dictionary?
“Smiles”, because there is a mile between the first and last letters.
What type of horses only go out at night?
Nightmares!
THANKSGIVING
How many bakers does it take to make a pumpkin pie?
3.14
dNATIONAL VETERINARY TECHNICIAN WEEK
How does the veterinary tech stop the X-ray machine?
She hits the paws button!
NATIONAL FARMER’S DAY
Why did the pig hide the soap?
He heard the farmer yell, “hogwash!”
If lightning strikes an orchestra, who is most likely to get hit?
The conductor!
WORLD MENTAL HEALTH DAY
Why was Waldo going to psychotherapy?
He wanted to find himself!
When do astronauts eat?
Launch time!
What did the horse say after it fell down?
Help! I can’t giddy up.
What did the winning hotdog say?
I’m a wiener!
What do a bunch of cats sitting in a circle form?
The purr-rimeter!
WORLD TEACHERS’ DAY
Where do math teachers like to go on vacation?
Times Square!
WORLD ANIMAL DAY
What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
An elephant’s shadow!
What did the librarian tell the student who checked out 100 books?
Don’t overdue it!
WORLD FARM ANIMALS DAY
What did the sheep on the animal farm bleat?
Four legs good, two legs baad!
WORLD VEGETARIAN DAY
A slice of papaya pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean!
I was going to tell one more giraffe joke …
but it was too long!
What would happen if a giraffe tried on a turtle’s sweater?
You’d get a stretched turtleneck!
NATIONAL GOOD NEIGHBOR DAY
What do you call a neighborhood where everybody wears undersized sweaters?
A tight knit community!
Why are crabs bad at sharing?
They’re shellfish!
How does NASA organize a party?
They planet!
Why are apples so bad at interrogations?
They usually crumble!
Why did the tomato blush?
It saw the salad dressing!
Why was the geometry teacher late to class?
She sprained her angle!
FIRST DAY OF AUTUMN
What is it called when a tree can’t believe it is autumn?
Dis-be-leaf!
LAST DAY OF SUMMER
What did summer say to autumn?
Help … I’m about to fall!
WORLD CLEANUP DAY
Why do astronauts work in such a clean environment?
Cause space is a vacuum!
What did one German say to another German when they disagreed upon what time to meet?
Nein!
What’s the most dangerous book you can read?
A pop-up book about giraffes!
What is a giraffe’s favourite fruit?
The necktarine!