INTERNATIONAL FACT-CHECKING DAY
Little known fact:
Captain Hook bought his hook from a second hand store:)
APRIL FOOLS’ DAY
Who needs a day for fools?
I’m surrounded by them everyday!
Can February March?
No, but April May.
NATIONAL PENCIL DAY
Where do pencils go on vacation?
Pencil-vania!
I got arrested at the Farmers’ Market for disturbing the peas!
I saw an onion ring.
So I answered it!
How did the witch respond to the wit?
“Have you ever noticed how wit and twit are practically the same word?”
How did the unarmed wit respond to the witch?
“Does that sand itch!”
What did the witch say to the wit?
“I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see that you have come unarmed!”
What did the wit say to the witch he met on the beach?
“You look like a sand-wich!”
WORLD BEAR DAY
What do you call a bear with no ear?
“B!”
What is a veterinarian’s favourite diagnostic machine?
The PET scanner!
NATIONAL MEMORY DAY
Why did the conductor retire?
He kept losing his train of thought!
FIRST DAY OF SPRING
When is the best time to start trampolining?
Spring time!
INTERNATIONAL READ TO ME DAY
How do you make a book laugh?
Read it a novel joke!
GLOBAL RECYCLING DAY
I’m trying to start a chewing gum recycling company ….
I just need a little help getting it off the ground!
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal!
The Sistine Chapel ceiling may not be the greatest work of art ever, but its definetly up there!
Why don’t buzzards check their luggage at the airport?
They prefer carrion!
What did the finger say to the thumb?
I’m in glove with you!
Why did the scarecrow win the volunteer of the year award?
He was outstanding in his field!
NATIONAL GIRL SCOUT DAY
What did the scout leader leading the rope tying course say to the girl who rudely blurted, “Can we start, already?”
“Knot yet.”
What kind of key can’t open locks?
A mon-key!
What did the clock do when it was hungry?
It went back four seconds!
DAYLIGHT SAVINGS DAY
I remember back before daylight savings times.
Oh, how times have changed!
NATIONAL PROOFREADING DAY
We visited the ghost town Calico, California.
The streets were oddly desserted!
What type of pine has the longest needles?
A porcupine!
What did the dalmatian say after lunch?
“That hit the spot!”
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
What do you get when you cross a donkey and a zebra?
Debra!
WORLD WILDLIFE DAY
What is a primate’s favourite candy?
A rhesus!
Can you name the capital in Morocco?
M!
I’m going to ask my girlfriend at the zoo to marry me.
She’s a keeper!
What did the girl say when her dad told her that together her two brothers were quite witty?
“So, they’re both half-wits!”
Where do sick boats go?
To the dock!
What has a spine but not bones?
A book.
Do green candles burn longer than blue ones?
No, they all burn shorter!
What do vegans get instead of bird flu?
Toflu!
What did one cannibal say to the other cannibal after eating a clown?
“Hey! Does this taste funny to you?”
Where did the cat go when it lost its tail?
The retail store!
My therapist informed me that I was delusional.
I was so offended that I almost fell off of my unicorn.
NATIONAL LOVE YOUR PET DAY
My daughter said she wanted either a car or a pet for her birdthday.
I sat her down on the rug in the living room and told her she could have both!
Have you heard of the band ‘Cellophane’?
They mostly wrap!
What did the wig say to the head?
“I’ve got you covered!”
What did they call the fashionably dressed king of the jungle?
The dandy lion!
Why coudn’t the flower ride its bike?
It lost its petals!
What do you call a vegan anteater?
A planteater!
BOOK GIVING DAY
Why did the librarians buy too many books?
They had no shelf control!
Who won the skeleton contest?
No body!
DARWIN DAY
Why was evolution late to the party?
It needed time to adapt to the situation!
INTERNATIONAL DAY OF WOMEN AND GIRLS IN SCIENCE
Why can you never trust atoms?
They make up everything!
What new crop did the farmer plant?
Beets me!
What did the digital clock say to its mother?
“Look, Ma! No hands!”
I used to believe my neighbor when he told me he slept standing up.
But he’s been lying!
Where do they keep premature baby female lambs?
Inc-ewe-bators!
A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts out 13 bees. “That’s one too many,” says the customer. The clerk replies, “One’s a freebie!”
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
Squash!
What building in your town has the most stories?
The public library!
What kind of pictures do lobsters like to take?
Shellfies!
GROUNDHOG DAY
What would you say if I told you Punxsutawney Phil does his own laundry?
Hogwash!
Why didn’t the lion quit cheering when he said he would?
He was a lion!
INTERNATIONAL ZEBRA DAY
What side does a zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside!
What’ll happen if you throw a Finnish sailor overboard?
Helsinki!
There’s a fine line between a numerator an a denominator.
Only a fraction of people know this.
Why do parents take so many photos?
Because they’re saving for collage.
Our school principal, Ms. Ruth, went on holidays.
Now our school is ruthless!
What did they say after the French cheese factory was destroyed?
Only de brie was left!
What do you get when a chicken lays its egg on the side of a hill?
An eggroll!
INTERNATIONAL DAY OF EDUCATION
Where do pirates get their education?
Boarding school!
What kind of ships do pirates have problems with?
Relationships!
How do you keep a dummy in suspense?
I’ll let you know tomorrow!
What’s the best time on the clock?
6:30. Hands down!
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around, and I’ll go on ahead.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
Want to hear a joke about tissue paper?
Never mind … it’s tearable.
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photo processing lab?
He couldn’t focus on the negatives!
BOOK PUBLISHERS DAY
My publisher didn’t like my book about the Arctic.
She said it left her feeling cold!
Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected fowl play!
Why did the travel writer’s book fail?
The story didn’t go anywhere!
What do small children travel in?
Minivans!
What kind of music is the Great Barrier Reef famous for?
Choral!
How do billboards communicate?
With sign language!
When is a door like a bottle?
When the door is ajar.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bull-dozer!
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dino-snore!
Where do facts come from?
Factories!
What did one candle ask the other candle?
Are you going out tonight?
NATIONAL BIRD DAY
Where do pet songbirds go for holidays?
The Canary Islands.
What do you say when your friend asks you to go for a walk on the beach?
“Shore!”
Why did the apple pie go to the dentist?
It needed a filling!
Australia’s biggest export is boomerangs.
It’s also their biggest import!
Every New Year’s Eve, I look forward to a good show at Time’s Square.
Andy every year, they drop the ball.
A smartphone and a firework were arrested on New Year’s Eve.
One was charged and the other was let off.
What do you call a hairdressing mistake?
A shear disaster!
Why doesn’t Ernie ever get ice cream?
Because he always says, “sure, Burt”!
What gets wet while it’s drying?
A towel!
VISIT THE ZOO DAY
What did they do when a bunch of hares escaped from the zoo?
They sent in a search party to comb the area!
BOXING DAY
I saw a sign that said, “we sell moving boxes”.
I guess they don’t sell stationery boxes!