I can only remember 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don’t know why?
What sort of art do giraffes paint?
Giraffiti!
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of instruments, often goes undetected!
FRIDAY THE 13th
What do Italian’s eat on Friday the 13th?
Fettucinni Afraid-o!
How do retired sailors greet each other?
Long time no sea!
Did you read the giraffe’s autobiography?
It’s a long story!
Wearing a secondhand hairpiece may seem kind of gross …
but it’s probably a good price toupee!
1Why did Hansel and Gretel get lost in the woods?
The trail was crumby!
.
But its a good price toupeeGRANDPARENTS’ DAY
What do you call a grandmother that pulls her photos out quickly?
Instagram!
NATIONAL BUY A BOOK DAY
If a book about failure doesn’t sell,
is it a success?
NATIONAL READ A BOOK DAY
I’ve never been to a library before.
How dewey find the books we are looking for?
How do German Shepherds greet each other?
Guten dog!
NATIONAL WILDLIFE DAY
Why are giraffes slow to apologize?
It takes them a long time to swallow their pride!
Mother: How did you find school on your first day?
Daughter: I just got off the bus and it was right there!
LABOR DAY
Did you hear the joke about Labor Day?
It doesn’t really work for me!
INTERNATIONAL PRIMATE DAY
Everybody should be able to name at least one primate?
That’s a gibbon!
What do you call a dull pig?
A boar!
What do you call malware on an e-reader?
A bookworm!
“The main problem with social media is that there is no way to validate most facts.”
—Abraham Lincoln. 1865
What was the name of the girl with the frog on her hat?
Lily!
Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them!
NATIONAL DOG DAY
Why do dogs like cell phones?
They have collar ID!
Do you know what’s odd?
Every other number!
What do you call a jalapeño in Autumn?
A little chili!
Why did the barber win the race?
He knew all the short-cuts!
What happened when the frog parked illegally?
He was toad!
NATIONAL SENIOR CITIZENS DAY
What do cast iron pans and seniors have in common?
They’re both well seasoned!
What do frogs eat in France?
French flies!
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Why did the soy based meat substitute cross the road?
To prove it wasn’t chicken!
What do you call a no-nonsense hot dog?
A frank-furter!
What do you call an entitled hot dog?
A brat!
How do you get straight A’s?
Use a ruler!
WORLD LIZARD DAY
What did the lizard say to the wall?
“One day, I’ll climb you.”
Why is a package sent by land carrier called a shipment, while a package sent by ship is called cargo?
INTERNATIONAL YOUTH DAY
I reckon I could have won something at the youth Olympics …
If it wasn’t for all those medaling kids!
NATIONAL SONS & DAUGHTERS DAY
My parents named me after my older sister.
And before my younger brother!
Never argue with 90 degree angles?
They’re always right!
Who was the robot’s favourite author?
Anne Droid!
What do you call a cold dog?
A chili dog!
How do you stop a bull from charging?
You unplug it!
I’ve heard that it’s getting cooler in Argentina.
In fact, it’s bordering on Chile!
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
How did the hikers eventually find their campground?
Trail and error!
It hurts me to say this, but …
I have a sore throat!
Why did the frog stop drinking coffee?
He was getting too jumpy!
PAWS FUR THE PLANET ECO-CHALLENGE MONTH
What do you call a painting by a cat?
A paw-trait!
WORLD RANGER DAY
What’s a park ranger’s favourite snack?
Trail mix!
INTERNATIONAL DAY OF FRIENDSHIP
What’s the best vitamin for friendship?
B1
Foreign words are not apropros.
WORLD NATURE CONSERVATION DAY
I have a good nature joke, but when people hear it, they just leave!
What kind of dress does a cow wear?
A muumuu!
NATIONAL AUNT & UNCLE DAY
My aunt and uncle are having twins.
They’re naming the girl Denise.
And the boy Denephew!
My sister wore a slinky dress for her date.
She looked great falling down the stairs!
What happened when the flu joined instagram?
It became an influenza!
It’s cold and flu season.
Or as I like to call it, Vitamin C-son!
What can you catch but not throw?
A cold!
NATIONAL ZOOKEEPER WEEK
The zookeeper’s friend told the zookeeper the zoo’s cafeteria was temporarily closing for some construction.
The zookeeper said, “No problem, alpaca lunch!”
What did zero say to eight?
Nice belt!
For the life of me, I couldn’t remember the name of the dress ballerinas wear.
Then I put tu and tu together!
What do you call a really fast runner that leaves a trail of feathers behind?
Usain Molt!
NATIONAL HOT DOG DAY
How do food lovers eat hot dogs?
With relish!
I am a freelance cartographer, and I never turn down work filling in a missing country.
But a missing equator?
That’s where I draw the line!
I LOVE HORSES DAY
What do you call a pony with a sore throat?
A little hoarse!
SHARK AWARENESS WEEK
How does a hammerhead shark tell his mom he passed his test?
Nailed it!
What is the name of the icon for large flightless birds?
The emu-ji!
Where do you find Friday before Thursday?
In the dictionary!
WORLD POPULATION DAY
Did you know 97% of people can’t do arithmetic.
Luckily, I’m in the other 5%!
I decided to keep an ostrich as a pet.
But after a few weeks I felt I was being ostracized and thought it best to give him another home.
Why do British pedants dislike mass nouns?
The maths don’t work!
What is a British etymologist’s favorite word?
Favourite!
What is a swimmer’s favorite kind of math?
Dive-ision!
If you don’t know what the word “dictionary” means, where would you look it up?
What do you call a digital cow?
An e-mu!
INDEPENDENCE DAY
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
On the bottom.
Did you hear abouth the race between the giraffe and the ostrich?
It was neck and neck the whole way!
How many seconds are there is a year?
Twelve.
January second, February second, March second, etc.
CANADA DAY
Which country gets the highest grades?
Canada. It’s 50% A’s.
Neil Armstrong used to tell a bad joke about walking on the Moon.
When nobody laughed he’d say, “I guess you had to be there!”
A rabbit and a duck went to a restaurant for dinner. Who paid?
The duck. Because he had the bill!
If two is a duo and three is a trio, what are four and five?
Nine!
When my Canadian friend gets out of bed he shaves, showers, gets dressed, and eats a plate of fries with cheese curds and gravy.
This is his morning poutine!
Which brand of mustard sings?
Celine Dijon!
INTERNATIONAL DAY OF THE SEAFARER
What happens when a Finnish sailor falls overboard?
Helsinki!
What did the fingers say to the glove?
We’re in glove with you!
What time to ducks wake up?
The quack of dawn!
What did the square ask the old circle?
Been around long?
Why didn’t the dinosaur cross the road?
Because roads hadn’t been invented yet!
NATIONAL SEASHELL DAY
What does a clam do on its birthday?
It shellabrates!
6What happens when you take the school bus home?
Your parents make you take it back tomorrow.
What did the tourist say to the man she met in Quebec?
I hope our paths croissant again!
Do you want to hear my joke about a pizza?
Never mind, its too cheesy!
FATHERS DAY
What’s the difference between bad jokes and dad jokes?
The first letter!
NATURE PHOTOGRAPHY DAY
What is a polar bear’s favourite type of camera?
The Polaroid!
As I was walking past a farm I saw a sign that said, “Duck, eggs”.
I thought to myself, “that’s an unnecessary comma”. And then it hit me!
Name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday.
Yesterday, today, tomorrow!
Why was the broom late for school?
It overswept!
Why do people love visiting Quebec?
It’s a oui bit different!
What does Apple call its new eye patch for pirates?
The iEye patch!
NATIONAL CHILDREN’S DAY
What do kids and ice cream have in common?
They’re both sweet and they both give you a headache sometimes.