Why are calendars so busy?
They have a lot of dates!
What would bears be without bees?
Ears!
Why don’t people laugh at a roof joke?
It goes over their heads!
Why can’t a hand be 12 inches long?
Bcause then it’d be a foot!
What do you get when you cross a donkey with a zebra?
Debra!
How do lumberjacks access the internet?
They log in!
What is the librarian’s motto?
Believe in your shelf!
What do you call someone hanging out against the wall?
Art!
Why did the baker take out a loan?
He needed the dough!
What runs around a yard without actually moving?
A fence!
I’m in love with my girlfriend who works at the zoo.
She’s a keeper!
Our dog goes number one in a bowl next to a tree in our backyard.
It’s his petri dish!
What should iPhone chargers be called?
Apple juice!
Why did the banana wear sunscreen?
Because it peeled easily!
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
What do you call a pig that knows karate?
Pork Chop!
Why did the frog take the bus to work?
His car got toad.
I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains symbols.
What a legend!
I went to the zoo and saw two antelope.
I’ve never seen two insects get married before!
Are you addicted to aquatic puns?
If so, sea kelp.
Why did the Romanian put his book down?
To give his Bucharest!
Why are babies born on March 31st the easiest to prank on April Fools’ Day?
They were literally born yesterday!
Why did the student eat his homework?
His teacher said it was a piece of cake!
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use a pig pencil!
What is a zookeeper’s favourite vegetable?
Zucchini.
Do birds know where they’re going when they fly south for the winter?
Or, are they just winging it?
I hung my pencil drawings up in my bedroom.
My brother said it makes my room look kind of sketchy!
How do Earth and Mars schedule a vacation?
They planet!
I was lying in bed last night, counting sheep, when I thought to myself:
“I could have sworn, I shut the barn door last night!”
What’s a synonym for school cafeteria that starts with “m” and ends with “m”?
Mushroom!
What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a drawing of a rooster?
A croc-a-doodle-doo!
I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
And then it dawned on me.
How do poets say ‘hello’?
“Hey, haven’t we metaphor!”
Where do penguins go to vote?
The South Pole!
I went to the library to check the back of a medical book about abdominal pain.
But—someone had pulled the appendix out!
I called my local recycling centre and asked them what I should do with old batteries.
They said they’d take them, “free of charge!”
I walked into a pet store and said to the guy at the counter, “I’m looking for an inexpensive pet and I heard your birds are going cheep!”
I got in trouble in algebra class and had to stay for detention.
I didn’t enjoy the aftermath!
Why don’t buzzards ever give up?
They just keep calm and carrion!
Do you want to hear my building joke?
Ooh! Sorry! It’s under construction.
Where’s the safest place to be on Friday the 13th?
Your living room!
Where do cows go for fun?
The moo-vies!
What type of math do owls like?
Owlgebra!
I thought my Dad spent a lot on his wig.
Upon closer inspection—it was a small price toupee!
What kind of markets do fleas hate?
Flea markets!
My watch is telling me the kitchen clock set itself back an hour.
I’m not sure if that’s true or not, because it’s second hand information!
Why did the cowboy ride his horse into town?
Because, it was too heavy to carry!
Why did the book get stitches?
Because, it had its appendix removed!
What is a pirate’s favourite letter in the alphabet?
The “C”!
What did the house wear to the block party?
Address!
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus!
When does a joke become a ‘dad’ joke?
When it becomes apparent!
Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?
Great food; no atmosphere!
How many months have 28 days?
All of them!
What do you call a man too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker!
I keep telling people gullible isn’t in the dictionary.
Look it up if you don’t believe me!
My sister said: You look like the living dead!
I said: You look pretty ugly!
Our mom said: Knock it off, or you’ll both be found missing!
Why are nickels bigger daredevils than dimes?
They have less cents!
If kindness is contagious, does that make it a disease?
Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove it wasn’t chicken!
What do anteaters eat when they want a hot meat?
Fire ants!
Who cleans vacuum cleaners?
Vacuum cleaners! (Oh ha ha, not funny!)
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the farmer’s jokes?
They were too corny!
How do you stay warm no matter the room you are in?
Stand in the corner; it’s always 90 degrees!
Why did the science teacher keep solar eclipse glasses in her desk?
She had bright students!
Why are sports stadiums so windy?
They’re full of fans!
Which type of whale can fly through the water?
The pilot whale!
What’s the worst flower to give on Valentine’s Day?
Cauliflower!
What’s scarier than Friday the 13th?
These bad jokes:(
Why did the evolutionist never finish his painting?
He said it was a work in progress!
Why are chemists excellent at solving problems?
They have all the solutions!
Why aren’t pastry chefs any good at basketball?
Too many turnovers!
What did the cow say to its calf?
“It’s pasture bedtime!”
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s popcorn!
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me!
What do you do when it rains?
You get wet!
What’s the difference between pessimists and optimists?
Pessimists say, “things can’t get any worse”, and optimists say, “sure they can!”
Our librarian gave me a book about helium.
It was so good, I couldn’t put it down!
What do you call a parrot that flies away?
Polygon!