How do you make a waterbed bouncier?
Fill it with spring water!
Why did Count Dracula fail art class?
He could only draw blood!
What’s the difference between a spring roll and a summer roll?
Seasoning!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I was going to dress up as a Band-aid for Halloween but decided against it because it would be really hard to pull off.
What is the best day of the week to go to the beach?
Sunday!
What happened when 19 and 20 got into a fight?
21!
What’s a math teacher’s favourite kind of tree?
Geometry!
Why do sawfish live in salt water?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
NATIONAL DICTIONARY DAY
Did you hear that they’re releasing a theatrical work based on the dictionary?
It’s a play on words!
Who helps little pumpkins cross the road to school?
The crossing gourd!
Why do elevators make ghosts happy?
They lift their spirits!
THANKSGIVING DAY
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi!
NATIONAL FARMERS’ DAY
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages!
What do geese get when it’s cold outside?
People bumps!
WORLD MENTAL HEALTH DAY
Why is there no point in going to a child psychologist?
They’re too young!
Why is it so easy to trick leaves in October?
They fall for anything!
Why doesn’t phonics start with an “f”?
I saw two rocks while hiking.
One was big but shy, and the other was a little boulder!
Why are cats good at video games?
Because, they have nine lives!
WORLD FARM ANIMAL DAY
Why did the chicken get detention?
It was using fowl language!
Why is it so difficult to manage a pastry factory?
Because, they have such a high turnover rate!
What do leaves say before they hibernate?
Rake me up when September ends!
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anybody can mash potatoes!
If you’re Canadian in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?
European!
What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?
Dam!
How did the mariner get her catamaran so cheaply?
She bought it on sail!
My social studies teacher told me:
Nobody should ever generalize!
My math teacher told me:
I should be more or less specific!
My English teacher told me:
I should eschew obfuscation!
WORLD RHINO DAY
What did the male rhino say to the female rhino?
Rhino someone who really likes you!
What has one eye, but cannot see?
A needle!
WORLD CLEANUP DAY
I applied for a job cleaning mirrors.
It’s something I can really see myself doing!
Why can’t you blame dolphins when they do behave poorly?
Because, they don’t do it on porpoise!
Why was the fraction nervous aout marrying the decimal?
Because, he would have to convert!
What do you get when you leave corn in the barn for to long?
Cobwebs!
Why did the artistic statistician always carry a pencil and paper?
To draw her conclusions!
What kind of apple isn’t an apple?
A pineapple!
What did they call George Washington’s false teeth?
Presidentures!
Why do iguanas make excellent spies?
Because, they always drop their tails!
What are the strongest creatures in the ocean?
Mussels!
How does a scarecrow drink juice?
With a straw!
Remembering my pet goose always makes me sad.
Every time I do, I feel a bit down!
Where is the ocean the deepest?
At the bottom!
I’m writing a book on hurricanes and tornados.
It’s only a draft at the moment!
NATIONAL BUY A BOOK DAY
What happened to the thief who stole A Tale of Two Cities from the bookstore?
He got a long sentence!
NATIONAL READ A BOOK DAY
Why did the robin go to the library?
It was looking for bookworms!
Why are birthday’s good for you?
Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest!
What’s a shark’s favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jelly fish!
What did the sailor say when the captain accused him of letting the dingy escape?
“I did knot!”
How do you cut a wave in half?
You use a sea saw!
INTERNATIONAL PRIMATE DAY
What do you call two monkeys who share a Prime account?
Primates!
How do you remember your wedding anniversary?
Forget it once!
What does every birthday end with?
The letter Y!
Student: “Is it true that history repeats itself?”
History Teacher: “Yes, especially if you fail!”
My English teacher looked over at me and said, “Name two pronouns”.
I said, “Who, me”?
NATIONAL DOG DAY
My teacher told us that books are a man’s best friend, so my dog bit him!
Why don’t veterinarians like buying their supplies online?
They prefer using a cat-a-logue!
When does red mean go and green mean stop?
When you’re eating a watermelon!
What’s more impressive than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee!
Why did the donkey cross the road?
Because, someone shouted, “hay”!
They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
But I am … and they’re not laughing anymore!
What do you call a factory that makes average quality products?
Satisfactory!
What do you call retracing your steps in South Korea?
A Seoul searching experience!
What do you call a sheep that likes to play fetch?
A sheepdog!
Why are organic farmers known for being so honest?
Because, they till it like it is!
What’s a chameleon’s favorite drink?
Chamomile tea!
What goes up when rain comes down?
An umbrella!
WORLD LIZARD DAY
Where do lizards go when their tails fall off?
Their tailor!
My book agent had to take a leave of absence.
She was ill-iterate!
INTERNATIONAL YOUTH DAY
Did you hear about the girl who invented knock-knock jokes?
She was awarded the no-bell prize!
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
To day-scare centers!
Ray Bradbury: How hot did the fire at the library get?
Me: I can’t remember!
Patient: I keep hearing a ringing sound.
Doctor: Have you tried answering your phone?
My pet snake is 3.14 meters long.
He’s a pi-thon!
What goes up but never comes down?
Your age!
What tables don’t require any math?
Dinner tables!
What did the librarian say to the astronaut?
“Please, find space for a book!”
Where do farmers get their medication from?
Farm-acies!
Have you heard about the sale at the pet supply store?
Buy one, get one flea!
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
She told me to stop going to those places!
I went to the zoo, and a rhino tried to charge me.
I told him I had already paid!
What do you wear if you don’t want to look like a winner or a loser?
A tie!
Why couldn’t the teacher see straight?
She was cross with her pupils!
Where did the shrimp go for a loan?
To the prawn broker!
How long is a piece of string?
Two times half its length.
NATIONAL PARENTS’ DAY
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who’s sandwich has been cut into squares when they wanted triangles.
To cut a long story short …
My publisher turned my novel into a novella!
I’m thinking of taking a job as a crowd estimator.
I wonder how many people are in that field?
What do you call a group of squid?
A squad!
What would you name a poetry writing ogre?
Shrekspeare!
Why did the pencil go to school with the book?
It wanted to learn the “write” way!
ME: I’ve stopped dreaming of a career in photography.
FRIEND: Why?
ME: I can’t stay focused!
My local pet store had a bird contest.
No perches necessary!
How is the moon like a dollar?
It also has four quarters!
What’s worse than having diarrhea?
Having to spell it!
Why was the quail sent to the principal’s office?
He was using fowl language!
What falls but never hits the ground?
The temperature!
What’s the best thing to put into a pie?
Your teeth!
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!