Why did the hair salon go out of business?
Too many bad hair days!
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you count Dracula!
WORLD POPULATION DAY
98% of the population can’t count.
Thank goodness I’m part of the 3%!
What happens if life gives you melons?
You’re dyslexic!
Why is the obtuse triangle always so irritated?
Because it’s never right!
Why did the website designer get new glasses?
To improve his site!
What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
A stick!
Why did the girl always sneeze when reading her favorite hardcover?
Because it had a dust jacket on!
What is the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
Attire!
What should you give your dog for the 4th of July?
Ear muffs!
How much dirt is there in a hole 3’ x 3’ x 3’?
None!
What did the beaver say to the maple tree?
It’s been nice gnawing you!
How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience!
Why do cows have poor balance?
They lactose!
Why did they quit giving tests at the zoo?
Because they were full of cheetahs!
Why were ancient Egyptians buried with their arms across their chests when they died?
Because they believed in waterslides in the afterlife!
What’s the best vegetable to have with you when you get a flat tire?
A-spare-agus!
My grandparents bought me a camouflage cover for my dictionary.
I’d like to thank them, but I can’t find the words!
INTERNATIONAL DAY OF THE SEAFARER
Where do beginner sailors learn to sail?
On an apprenticeship!
Why did the bobby pin get a time out?
It kept poking around where it shouldn’t!
Why do melons have their weddings at home?
The can’t elope!
WORLD RAINFOREST DAY
What do Jedi trees say to one another?
May the forest be with you!
What do bees say in the summer?
“It’s swarm out here!”
What animal is always at a baseball game?
A bat!
JUNETEENTH
What did June say to August when they were arguing?
Don’t July to me!
What do you call the split second you realize you just sat on your glasses?
Hindsight!
Why do scuba divers fall backward into the water?
Because, if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat!
WORLD SEA TURTLE DAY
What do you call a one-on-one lesson about turtles?
A turtorial!
What is the official dessert of Father’s Day?
The pop-sicle!
What did one penny say to the other penny?
We make cents!
How does a scientist freshen her breath?
With experi-mints!
Why did the pigeon cross the road?
To prove it wasn’t chicken!
Which knight created the Round Table?
Sir Cumference!
What goes up and down but doesn’t move?
Stairs!
What did the fish have to pay to get past the coral reef?
Atoll!
What did the beach say to the wave?
“Long tide, no sea.”
What do you call farm animals with a sense of humor?
Laughing stock!
If tomatoes are fruit, is ketchup a smoothie!
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tents!
What was the lazy veterinarian’s name?
Dr. Dolittle!
WORLD BICYCLE DAY
What happened when the wheel was invented?
It started a revolution!
How long should a donkey’s legs be?
Long enough to reach the ground!
NATIONAL ANIMAL RIGHTS DAY
What did the cat say after making a joke?
“Just kitten!”
What do you call a shoe made of a banana?
A slipper!
Why was the artist taken to court?
To face the mosaic!
Why was the conductor taken to court?
To face the music!
What do you call a painting of a person by a cat?
A paw-trait!
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym rolls!
What’s black and white and read all over?
The newspaper.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry 🫐 😥
Why did the donkey eat with its mouth open?
It had bad stable manners!
World Turtle Day
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slowpoke!
What is a zookeeper’s favourite vegetable?
Zucchini!
NATIONAL EAT MORE FRUIT & VEGETABLES DAY
What do you call beans that have been in the sun too long?
Baked beans!
Where do rabbits go for breakfast?
IHOP.
What is as big as an orangutan but weighs nothing?
Its shadow!
The past, the present, and the future had an argument.
It was tense!
NATIONAL WALNUT DAY
Why was the walnut a great detective?
It always cracked the case!
INTERNATIONAL DRAWING DAY
Two artists had an art contest.
It ended in a draw!
INTERNATIONAL DAY OF FAMILIES
Why did the artist take her family to her art studio?
She wanted to draw her family together!
My friends claim I’m the cheapest person they’ve ever met.
I’m not buying it!
What do you call it when an audiologist gives you a good recommendation?
Sound advice!
INTERNATIONAL NURSES DAY
What do you say to your nurse when she inserts your IV on her first try?
“Good jab!”
MOTHER’S DAY
What are the most appropriate flowers a boy can get for his mom on Mother’s Day?
Son-flowers!
INTERNATIONAL MIGRATORY BIRD DAY
What happens to geese when they collide?
The get goose bumps!
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y!
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised!
Why wouldn’t Cleopatra see a psychologist?
She was the Queen of Denial!
Never trust teachers who use graph paper.
They’re always plotting something!
NATIONAL CARTOONISTS DAY
Why do cartoonists make great detectives?
They’re experts in drawing conclusions!
What do Jedi use to view PDF files?
Adobe Wan Kenobi!
WILD KOALA DAY
Why don’t koalas rinse their eucalyptus leaves?
They don’t have koalanders!
NATIONAL BROTHERS AND SISTERS DAY
My parents just said they want another boy and girl.
I said, “Great! I’d love more siblings!”
My parents replied, “that’s not what we meant!”
SCHOOL PRINCIPALS’ DAY
Why did the clock get sent to the principal’s office?
It wouldn’t stop tocking!
What do you call a chicken that haunts a house?
A poultrygeist!
What did the math book tell the pencil?
I have a lot of problems!
Why did the biologist break up with the physicist?
They had no chemistry!
Why are fish so smart?
They travel in schools!
WORLD VETERINARY DAY
Why are there no new people working at the animal doctor’s clinic?
Because, they’re all vets!
What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny!
Why did the principal jump into the pool?
She wanted to test the water!
WORLD BOOK NIGHT
Why did the book go to the planetarium?
It wanted to have a novel experience!
EARTH DAY
What did the mother worm say to the baby worm who was late?
“Where in the earth have you been?”
Where do killer whales go to get braces?
The orcadontist!
VOLUNTEER RECOGNITION DAY
Why did the volunteer go to the doctor?
He had a case of “helping hand”!
What should you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back!
What did the blackboard with the exam on it say?
“I’m chalk full of questions!”
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
The invention of the knife!
NATIONAL LIBRARIAN DAY
What do librarians hang over their babies’ cribs?
Bookmobiles!
WORLD ART DAY
Why did the glue get detention at art school?
It didn’t adhere to the rules!
I have no real opinion on frogs versus toads.
I’m amphibalent!
What did one wall say to the other wall?
I’ll meet you in the corner!
Parallel lines have so much in common.
It’s a shame they’ll never meet!
NATIONAL PET DAY
Why did the girl take her cat to the vet?
It wasn’t feline well!
NATIONAL FARM ANIMAL DAY
What do healthy cows eat for breakfast?
Mooesli!
How did the beekeeper’s wife ask the beekeeper if he was ready to retire or not?
“Too bee, or not to bee, that is my question!”
What type of pencil should I use to draw my William Shakespeare portrait?
2B, or not 2B, that is the question.
Which king liked fractions the most?
Henry the 8th.
What was the proofreader’s blood type?
typo
NATIONAL READ A ROAD MAP DAY
What do you call an alligator with a map?
A navigator!