What did the French groundhog see when it woke up?
Its chateau!
Why did the girl throw a stick of butter?
She wanted to see a butter fly!
What’s the librarians’ motto?
Believe in your shelf!
I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.
What a legend!
Why couldn’t the bicycle find its way home?
It lost its bearings!
What is a simile?
It’s like a metaphor!
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
What time is it when the clock strikes 13?
Time to get a new clock!
Why did the sapling refuse to join the family business?
It wanted to branch out on its own!
Why did the newlyweds plant trees?
They wanted to put down roots!
What’s the best way to catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut!
What do astronauts say when they make mistakes?
“I Apollo-gize!”
Why are pigs bad at hockey?
They hog the puck!
What is a dentist’s favourite day of the week?
Toothsday!
What do you call a nut that has mysteriously disappeared?
Awolnut!
What did the instructor say when he asked the school of small fish for feedback?
“Let minnow what you think!”
What’s another name for a mockingbird?
Rude!
What kind of water never freezes?
Hot water!
What did the pickle say to the hotdog?
“I relish you!”
How did the wheat say “farewell” to the oats?
I hope we meet agrain!
Why did the chickpea fritter go to the hospital?
It falafel!
What kind of bird can carry the most weight?
The crane.
Last night I tried to read the entire dictionary in bed but I didn’t finish.
I got up to p!
How did the walnut know where the cashew was hiding?
He was pecan!
Why was the poet poor?
Because, rhyme didn’t pay!
What do you call angry vegetables?
Steamed!
Seven days without a pun makes one weak!
How did the vet tally up her patient’s bill?
She used her cow-culator!
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because, if they flew over the bay—they’d be bagels!
What is the most popular type of Mexican food in the Arctic?
The Brrr-ito!
Which birds are good at holding onto things?
Velcrows!
Why was the blacksmith sent to prison?
He got caught forging!
What is a New Year’s resolution?
Something that goes in one year and out the other!
Every morning, I announce to my family that today is the day that I start jogging, but I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of the year!
What do you call it when you use your cat as an excuse for not doing your chorses?
Procatsination!
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data!
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics!
What do you call a surprised ungulate?
A Bewilderedbeest!
How do you communicate with a giant?
With big words!
Where does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
In the dictionary!
Why do you get conflicting feelings at the top of a toboggan hill?
Because, it’s nothing but downhill from there!
What did the donkey do when a bad driver cut him off?
Hee-haw-nked at him!
What type of math are cows good at?
Cowculus!
What happens when winter arrives?
Autumn leaves!
How did Elsa lose her balloon?
She let it go!
What has ears but can’t hear?
A cornfield!
How do retired sailors greet each other?
They say, “Long time no sea!”
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He’s from Neverland!
The fact that some people can’t distinguish between entomology and etomology bugs me in ways that I cannot put into words.
Why did the snowman rummage through a bag of carrots?
He needed to pick his nose!
Why is sustainability so fashionable?
It never goes out of style!
What’s the Grinch’s favourite Christmas carol?
Silent Night!
What happened when the skunk went to the zoo?
It became the scent of attention!
What kind of horses travel around the world?
Globe Trotters!
What do you get when you cross a cow with a trampoline?
A milkshake!
How did the dog feel the day after the veterinarian was able to remove the string of Christmas lights he ate?
Delighted!
What did the man name his two watchdogs?
Rolex and Timex!
What would be the best name for a two man curtain hanging company?
Curt and Rods!
What happened to the snowman when he got angry?
He had a meltdown!
What was the name of the snowman with six pack abs?
The abdominal snowman!
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because—every show needs a cast!
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
You look flushed!
Why are ghosts bad liars?
You can see right through them!
What is Dr. Seuss’s favourite play?
Green Eggs and Hamlet!
How many software programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. It’s a hardware problem!
What did the vacuum say to the broom?
“I’m tired of people pushing us around!”
What was the aquarium store’s sales policy?
Sorry, no reef funds!
Why was the computer cold?
It left its Windows open!
Where do books sleep?
Under their covers!
Why do triangles get frustrated with circles?
They find them pointless!
What do you call people who like tractors?
Protractors!
Which piece is king in a geometry set?
The ruler!
How do artists generate their resumes?
They draw from experience!
What’s the difference between a minimalist orchestra and a regular orchestra?
A minimalist orchestra doesn’t have all the bells and whistles!
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Classical conditioning!
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
What did the teacher say to her obtuse geometry students?
Shape up!
How did the pencil win the race?
It lead the entire way!
What did one firefly say to the other firefly?
You glow, girl!
What did the hotdog say to the chopped up pickle?
I relish you!
What did the hamburger say to the pickle?
You’re dill-icious!
What’s the difference between hoarding and collecting?
Presentation!
How do you know an eraser is broken?
It rubs things the wrong way!
Why type of music do rabbits listen to?
Hip-hop!
What’s a frog’s favourite candy?
A lollihop!
What was the largest moth in the world?
The mammoth!
There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don’t!
What was a more useful invention than the telephone?
The second telephone!
How do you make a cat drink?
Put it in the blender!
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn have ears!
Why did the family of candles go on a hike?
They wanted to burn off some stress!
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
It’s quicker than walking!
What type of awards do dentists hate?
Plaques!
WORLD VEGAN DAY
What is a vegan’s favourite vegetable?
Green peas!
What do doctors do when they’re told chocolate bars are good for you?
They snicker!
Why is it challenging to teach twin witches?
Because, you never know which witch is which!
What did the theatre company say when the actress fell through the floorboards?
She was going through a stage!
What did the police do after the hairdresser’s was robbed?
They combed the area!
What type of music do geologists like?
Classic Rock!
What neurotransmitter does your brain release when you see something funny on the Internet?
Dopameme!