Vikki the Vet Probes Peter the Pigeon
This is the story of Peter the Pigeon.
Peter the anthropomorphic pigeon.
Anthropomorphism is a literary device.
It is a way to make animals and objects talk.
To put words in their mouths in an inventive way.
In reality, animals and objects don’t actually talk.
“How about parrots?” I can hear you say.
Well … parrots are more mimics than conscious conversationalists.
Peter the Pigeon lives in Providence.
Providence, Rhode Island.
And a Rhode Island resident is called a Rhode Islander.
Peter the Pigeon is also an American Show Racer.
Peter races on the pigeon racing circuit.
One weekday, while the pigeon racing ring was passing through Virginia Beach, Peter the Pigeon waddled into Vikki the Vet’s Veterinary Clinic.
“Hello. How are you?” asked an unflappable Vikki the Vet.
“I’ve been better,” answered Peter the Pigeon.
“What’s ailing you?” asked Vikki the Vet.
“I’ve got a terrible stomach ache,” Peter answered.
“Well … how about I ask you a few questions and we’ll see if we can identify the problem?”
“Probe away,” said Peter.
“Let’s start with your name?” continued Vikki the Vet.
“Peter. Peter the Pigeon.”
“And are you taking any medications?” asked Vikki the Vet.
“Just aspirin,” answered Peter.
“And what is the aspirin for?”
“I’m getting over an injury,” Peter answered.
“A racing-related injury.”
“I beg your pardon?” asked Vikki the Vet.
“I race on the professional pigeon racing circuit,” Peter explained.
“And how’s that working out for you?”
“It’s more racing racket than racing ring if you ask me,” said Peter.
“Go on,” said Vikki the Vet.
I think the proprietor is a profiteer.
“He does all sorts of sordid things.”
“One time, he brought in a poached pigeon from Portland.”
“Then another time, he switched a Racing Homer for a Rhine Ringbeater.”
“And everybody knows a Rhine Ringbeater isn’t really a racer.”
“I’ve even seen Patrick the proprietor try to pass my friend off as an extinct passenger pigeon in an attempted insurance scam.”
“It doesn’t sound like a good workplace,” said Vikki the Vet.
“It isn’t,” answered Peter the Pigeon.
“The way you’re bobbing your head back and forth makes me think you are nervous,” said Vikki the Vet.
“I am nervous,” said Peter.
“Patrick makes me nervous.”
“He thinks I think, I’m some sort of self-important pigeon.”
“I’ve even heard him call me a pompous pigeon.”
“But I’m not a pompous pigeon.”
“I just think he’s a cheater.”
“You don’t think I’m being overly pedantic, do you?” asked Peter.
“No, Peter.”
“I don’t think you’re being a pedantic pigeon.”
“I think rules are usually there for a reason.”
“My stomach ache took a turn for the worse yesterday,” Peter the Pigeon continued.
“And was there anything different about yesterday?” Vikki the Vet asked.
“Yeah!”
“Patrick made me eat a pack of pickled peppers to get my blood going,” said Peter the Pigeon.
“Peter!”
“You’ve probably got an ulcer!” exclaimed Vikki the Vet.
“A peptic ulcer.”
“I’d say the aspirin, the stress, and the pack of pickled peppers are your problem.”
Now stress and spicy food don’t cause an ulcer.
But long-term use of aspirin can.
And once you’ve got an ulcer, both stress and spicy food will make it worse.
“So here’s what we’re going to do,” said Vikki the Vet.
“One. No more aspirin.”
“Two. I’m going to get you on a prescription to reduce your stomach acid.”
“And three. I think you need to make some lifestyle changes, Peter.”
“What would you think of getting out of the pigeon racing game?”
“Easier said than done,” said Peter.
“I don’t think Patrick will let his prized pigeon go.”
“Well … If it comes to that, we may have to get the police involved.”
“But I’m here to help you if you’re up for it,” said Vikki the Vet.
“I am,” said Peter.
“I didn’t ask to be put in this position,” Peter continued.
“I just want to stand pat on my perch.”
“And sing my songs.”
“Come again?” asked Vikki the Vet.
“I’m an a cappella pigeon,” Peter answered.
“I like to stand on my stool and sing solo.”
“You’ve come to the right place, Peter,” said Vikki the Vet.
“I’m going to help you with your problem.”
And with that, Vikki the Vet got started by writing a prescription for Peter the Pigeon.